You Are Worthy
Disclaimer: If you are dealing with any form of depression, please seek support from a trusted mental health professional.
My motherhood journey began with postpartum depression. I hardly ever share this and after 10 years, I've decided to share this so other moms who are going through the same journey can come out of it victorious.
I read a tonne of parenting books, attended workshops and felt 98% ready to receive my boy into our world. His bedroom is done up Montessori style. I was ready to handle schedules, sleepless nights, diaper changes... But I was so not ready for what it really took when reality came.
Firstly, my estate underwent massive renovation and with nowhere to go, I was stuck with nonstop drilling in the day time and looking after the baby all by myself at night. My mom would drop by during the day to help but I was by myself most of the time when she leaves in the evening.
Back then, my hubs didn't take paternal leave so he'd just drop into a deep sleep at night and made comments like 'if you sleep in the day, you can do night duty'.
Next, I was faced with personal doubt. My body was a wreak. My boobs hurt like hell. I was so so so so tired.
Comments from relatives such as:
'Why do you still look pregnant? My stomach was flat the moment the baby came.' ;
'You cant expect the man to take night duty. They need to sleep because they need to work' ;
'Breastfeeding ain't that tough lah.' ;
'Dont expect me to look after baby. You guys got pregnant, don't dump the duty on me.'
(Seriously, these are all actual statements said to me.)
I couldn't sleep in the day because of the constant drilling, I couldn't sleep at night because there's no one to help me. I basically slept only 3/4 hours in the first week I was home.
I reached a terrifying point where I actually felt a presence telling me - just throw your baby out the window and jump down too.
Perhaps it's God's grace I didn't and I couldn't. I was crying everyday. It was when I locked myself in my baby's room, that my hubs realised he needed to do something.
Ok, let me put it there that this is not a blaming story.
He has his own version. He was tired. He didn't know how to look after babies, he really couldn't wake up and he didn't know the extend of the noise in the day...
Another day, perhaps I will also talk about marriage and forgiveness and growth.
This is the story of how being new parents pushed us to the brink of my sanity and our marriage.
I saw a psychiatrist but decided not to take medication. My hubs took the opportunity to seek help. He stepped in to help more. He took extra leave to stay home. My mom came by to help more too. I managed to get proper rest. I slept until my boobs leaked to half my bed.
It took me about a year to get over the darkness. The darkness that told me to end my life; 10 years to openly share with you guys.
At the core of this, I want you to know that you are worthy. It took me a while to put aside all the negative word and let this statement - 'You Are Worthy' sink deep into my soul. Let that statement sink deep into your soul today.
If you need to hear these words, know that you are worthy.
Do you have a mommy support group?
Feel free to DM me and I will try to connect you to one.
Love,
Jing Yi